This is the beating heart of the vast marketing machine for Life is a Fountain.
8/12/21: Weird experiment day!
Today I am going through every page I have in Life is a Fountain and adding something hopefully relevant to it from the annals of Clerkmanifesto. It’s my desperate attempt to freshen up everything after being away for a couple weeks. So here you go:
Read this to not Die in Ten Minutes
You are probably reading this in order to not die in ten minutes. Most people, according to our exhaustive studies, don’t want to die any time soon, but the majority of the people we polled picked “in ten minutes” as the time they’d most like to not die in.
We are here to help!
This web page, called
“Read this to not die in ten minutes!”
is specifically designed to stop you from dying in ten minutes.
Well, it’s closer to nine minutes now. So you might be thinking:
“Arrggggh! Hurry up! I don’t want to die!”
Ha ha ha.
Don’t worry, we’ve got this covered.
We are absolutely sure that we can keep you from dying in the next ten, I mean nine, er, actually eight, minutes. Time sure does fly. That’s why you’ve got to make the most of each moment. I mean, anyone could just drop dead at any time and then what do you have?
Oh, do you want me to answer that?
Yes, yes, less than seven minutes at this point, but now I wouldn’t feel right not answering this thing about what you would have if you dropped dead.
You would have one of these four things:
1. Regrets.
2. Unconsciousness.
3. Lots of happy happy times in heaven!
4. Absolutely nothing.
But I’d better move on as we’re down to six minutes.
Don’t worry. It’s all under control.
We just need a little information to proceed. Because unfortunately the instructions on how not to die in the next ten minutes (now a bit over five minutes to be honest) , is only available to subscribers.
Simply sign up with the “Follow by Email” app on the right sidebar of this page to unlock the rest of this content.
If you’re already signed up and subscribed here, or once you have completed your following by email, simply scroll down, and the rest of this informative, lifesaving essay, will automatically unlock.
Well done! And with two minutes to spare. We can still definitely get this taken care of! No one is dying in two minutes around here! I mean, not if they are reading this super important web page:
“Read this to not die in ten minutes!”
Everyone else practically everywhere is probably a minute from death though.
Oh, shoot, did I say a minute? Only a minute left! We better step on it!
But did you confirm your email?
Okay, good, good. Just checking. No need to panic. This will take but a second.
In order to not die in ten minutes all you…
Ooops. Time’s up. You still with me?
You are?
Wow! Excellent.
I guess it worked then.
Tell your friends!
While Life is a Fountain is known widely as The Other Internet, and seeks only to create its own, alternate Internet to compete with the more well known, highly Monopolistic “Internet” Internet, we here in “Life is a Fountain Marketing” are not content with that peaceful mission.
We seek to tear down everything else in the World until it lays in waste, and only Life is a Fountain still stands among the smoldering ruins.
This is because “Life is a Fountain Marketing” doesn’t really believe anyone much will come to Life is a Fountain unless they have no other choices at all.
And we at “Life is a Fountain Marketing” will do whatever it takes to market Life is a Fountain!
But you are here!
And yet you have choices?
Oh strange and happy day for us at “Life is a Fountain Marketing”!
But wait, you are here on a secret, private page of Life is a Fountain where our tireless, sinister campaigns to take over the world are hatched and carried out!
Uh oh.
I mean, unless Life is a Fountain has already taken over everything, like ice-nine, but I just haven’t gotten around to updating this page yet.
I hope that’s the case.
Of course you may be here as a part of a Life is a Fountain Marketing scheme being run out of the Life is a Fountain shopfront known as Clerkmanifesto.
This scheme is called:
Begging Week
We have composed some answers to frequently asked questions about Begging Week
1. What is the point of Begging Week?
It is to get people to come over to Life is a Fountain to simply get their feet wet on our new website, and to let them see that it’s really quite nice and safe here. Only then, when they do start to get comfortable, a giant shark leaps out of the water and races toward the reader who is standing stunned in the mild shallows. But then it turns out it’s a friendly shark who can turn into rainbows! And then everyone gets ten dollars! And there’s a huge sale everywhere on all the toys you love, and you get your favorite dessert ever.
2. Do you think Begging Week will actually work?
Did you read the answer to the first question? How could it not?
3. How long will Begging Week last?
We at Life is a Fountain Marketing have assembled a work team and will soon have an answer to this question.
4. How is Begging Week going so far?
Pretty badly. Hardly anyone comes to Life is a Fountain. My marketing team keeps asking for more funds for ethically suspect projects. And nearly everyone I have shown Life is a Fountain does the exact same thing:
They skim it until they find something they like.
They say “This is fantastic!”
They then say, outraged “Why is everything on the Internet that is so popular, so awful, and great things like this aren’t popular at all?”
Then they go somewhere popular on the Internet and never visit Life is a Fountain again.
On the other hand, you’re here. So that’s kind of neat.
5. Okay, I’m sold! How can I help make Begging Week a huge success?
Personally I think that the fact that you came here and read this is plenty. I do this for my own pleasure and it’s just nice to have someone like you reading it. Thank you.
On the other hand The Life is a Fountain Marketing Team would like to you to register all your friends and family for the Life is a Fountain Newsletter in the box below. Ignore the request for “Your email address” and just put other people’s addresses in it! It’s super ethical! Don’t worry.
Also the marketing team would like you to sit around clicking new pages on Life is a Fountain for the next few hours to improve our stats. They don’t care if you read any of what you click to though.